Trust

 

One of the hardest things to get used to, is the fact that trust is gone. I mean not with “him” we don’t even communicate anymore. But how do you go from being happy and secure in life one day, having the rug pulled out from underneath you the next and moving on from that?

I’ve dipped my toe back into the dating pond. Or rather crocodile pond since that’s more what it feels like. I think it’s pretty understandable to say that it’s a scary world out there and that I hardly feel ready to “put it all out there”. But at the same time, I don’t want to be the girl that’s too afraid to date because she’s been hurt before. Bad enough I’m living the divorcee cliché, I don’t need to add another one to my list.

My brother recently got married. The last wedding I had previously went to was my own. Most of the guests that I knew, I had last seen at my wedding, so to say it was uncomfortable seeing them again is an understatement. However, I really didn’t want to be the person that everyone felt sorry for and saw crying in the corner. So I got out and mingled. I mingled and flirted with pretty much every guy there. Not in a slutty/embarrassing way. But in a the world is my oyster- I’m gonna put on a brave face kind of way. Turns out it was a good attitude.

One of my brother’s groomsmen and I flirted and got along well that night. Though he’s one of my brother’s best friends, I had never met him before. We exchanged numbers. He was in the process of moving to the city. It’s been two months, and we’re still seeing each other.

Here’s where the trust thing comes in. I like him, he likes me. I have no idea where this is gonna go, and for the first time in my life, I’m not worried about it. Most days, I’m starting to feel a little more secure. Then there’s the time when it takes a little longer for a phone call to be returned, or there’s a pause in conversation and I panic. I hide it pretty well and don’t let it show. But things that wouldn’t have occurred to me before, I now have little inside panics over. What if he doesn’t like me? What if he too leaves? Having someone leave like the ex did is one of the worst things someone can do to a person they claim they once loved. I have zero belief in my ability to start/maintain a relationship. If I gave the ex the best of what I am, and he walked away from it, how is anyone else ever gonna like me again. It’s a horrible feeling. I truly hope it’s temporary.