Divorcemoon

Here’s where the divorcemoon comes in.  After an insane year of getting thru the hell that was the marriage, work and a ton of travel (mostly for work) I decided I needed some time to myself to fully gather my thoughts.

In the 9 months since he’s moved out, my life has been going pretty well.  I’m pretty much in the same place where I started four years ago when I met him.  I’ve learned a lot and through counselling and great friends and family am even finding “some” self confidence.

In order to celebrate the actual divorce (which if it isn’t final now, will be any day now!) I thought I’d celebrate with a trip.  A trip to South America.  3 weeks.  I bought the plane ticket on airmiles from my work travel (one of the perks of 3 major trips to Asia this year).    I also financed the rest of the trip by selling off my wedding ring and an old engagement ring.  Controversial I know.  I had been hanging on to the old engagement ring for years and as for the wedding ring, frankly, after how he left and ended it, he didn’t deserve it back.  It also gave me peace of mind to clear out old memories. So thanks to work and marriage (the two things that have given me the most stress this year)  I’m in South America!

I figure when people get married, they go on a honeymoon. Why shouldn’t I celebrate the end of something so horrible with a divorcemoon!  I’m here alone and have spent the past week and a half learning Spanish.  I’ll be spending the next week and a half on a winery in Argentina.  Life is good.  And it’s getting better every day.

I still don’t think I’m “built” for relationships given my history.  And it still amazes me that a year ago at this time, I was thinking there might be a chance I’d be pregnant or thinking about having kids by now and instead, I’m touring around the world trying to find myself, but all in all, I’m happy with where I am. And even more, I’m happy with myself.  And that’s the biggest surprise of all!

Security

A year ago, I thought I’d be pregnant by now.  In my very vague plan of life, thought that I’d try to get pregnant sometime around the end of this year.  This wasn’t a surprise to my ex, as having kids was the sole reason he wanted to get married: I was ok staying common law and having kids, he wasn’t.

My life since my plan a year ago, has changed 180 degrees.  I’m no longer thinking of a child in my future and whether day care will be something me and my partner will be able to afford.  The change is not something that’s necessarily for the worst, and, for the most part I am happy.  What I do however struggle with is the loss of security. That feeling and sensation of being secure in a relationship.  You’d think that after my 36 years of a pretty tumultuous life, I’d be used to this, but it appears not.  

For me, I felt like I thrived with the security I felt in that relationship.  Odd, since I hadn’t ever felt that before.  Ironic, because of all the relationships I’d had, this one had been the biggest sham.

To describe the feeling that I felt after this relationship ended would be like having the rug pulled from under you.  Once it’s pulled out, all the furniture goes flying and the glasses break.  Since my marriage ended (however short it may have been…) I feel like I’ve doubted every single thing I believe in and everything I am.  It’s like I have to rebuild myself from the foundation up.  Again, not necessarily a bad thing since I think it’s good to re-examine oneself and beliefs, just not something I thought I’d have to do a year ago!

Trust

 

One of the hardest things to get used to, is the fact that trust is gone. I mean not with “him” we don’t even communicate anymore. But how do you go from being happy and secure in life one day, having the rug pulled out from underneath you the next and moving on from that?

I’ve dipped my toe back into the dating pond. Or rather crocodile pond since that’s more what it feels like. I think it’s pretty understandable to say that it’s a scary world out there and that I hardly feel ready to “put it all out there”. But at the same time, I don’t want to be the girl that’s too afraid to date because she’s been hurt before. Bad enough I’m living the divorcee cliché, I don’t need to add another one to my list.

My brother recently got married. The last wedding I had previously went to was my own. Most of the guests that I knew, I had last seen at my wedding, so to say it was uncomfortable seeing them again is an understatement. However, I really didn’t want to be the person that everyone felt sorry for and saw crying in the corner. So I got out and mingled. I mingled and flirted with pretty much every guy there. Not in a slutty/embarrassing way. But in a the world is my oyster- I’m gonna put on a brave face kind of way. Turns out it was a good attitude.

One of my brother’s groomsmen and I flirted and got along well that night. Though he’s one of my brother’s best friends, I had never met him before. We exchanged numbers. He was in the process of moving to the city. It’s been two months, and we’re still seeing each other.

Here’s where the trust thing comes in. I like him, he likes me. I have no idea where this is gonna go, and for the first time in my life, I’m not worried about it. Most days, I’m starting to feel a little more secure. Then there’s the time when it takes a little longer for a phone call to be returned, or there’s a pause in conversation and I panic. I hide it pretty well and don’t let it show. But things that wouldn’t have occurred to me before, I now have little inside panics over. What if he doesn’t like me? What if he too leaves? Having someone leave like the ex did is one of the worst things someone can do to a person they claim they once loved. I have zero belief in my ability to start/maintain a relationship. If I gave the ex the best of what I am, and he walked away from it, how is anyone else ever gonna like me again. It’s a horrible feeling. I truly hope it’s temporary.