Security

A year ago, I thought I’d be pregnant by now.  In my very vague plan of life, thought that I’d try to get pregnant sometime around the end of this year.  This wasn’t a surprise to my ex, as having kids was the sole reason he wanted to get married: I was ok staying common law and having kids, he wasn’t.

My life since my plan a year ago, has changed 180 degrees.  I’m no longer thinking of a child in my future and whether day care will be something me and my partner will be able to afford.  The change is not something that’s necessarily for the worst, and, for the most part I am happy.  What I do however struggle with is the loss of security. That feeling and sensation of being secure in a relationship.  You’d think that after my 36 years of a pretty tumultuous life, I’d be used to this, but it appears not.  

For me, I felt like I thrived with the security I felt in that relationship.  Odd, since I hadn’t ever felt that before.  Ironic, because of all the relationships I’d had, this one had been the biggest sham.

To describe the feeling that I felt after this relationship ended would be like having the rug pulled from under you.  Once it’s pulled out, all the furniture goes flying and the glasses break.  Since my marriage ended (however short it may have been…) I feel like I’ve doubted every single thing I believe in and everything I am.  It’s like I have to rebuild myself from the foundation up.  Again, not necessarily a bad thing since I think it’s good to re-examine oneself and beliefs, just not something I thought I’d have to do a year ago!