Taking it all off for the camera

It was coming up to the 1 year wedding anniversary. It killed me that I didn’t even make it to year one of a marriage. Through everything that happened, I still couldn’t help but feel I was somewhat of a failure. I was less of a woman. As it was, I already had issues with self confidence. I was starting to come to the realization that I married someone with the opposite of low self confidence. Though at one point I loved him, I always knew he was self centered and self absorbed. If the conversation turned away from him, he would be bored and disinterested. I was starting to realize that maybe I picked this person because I had low self confidence and by him being the way it was, it took the spotlight off of me as he had enough confidence for the two of us combined. Knowing this wasn’t the healthiest, I was on a mission to build (or rebuild) my self confidence. First stop, a professional photographer.

I’ve never been a photogenic person. To the point where friends would laugh at pictures taken of me. Rarely did they look like me. If a picture was taken, my eyes were closed, I was making a goofy face etc… so step one into building my confidence, I thought it would be helpful to have good pictures of me to look at. Friends and family have always told me I’m an attractive girl and other than the odd time catching myself in the mirror, I never believed them. I scoured the internet for professional photographers and found one that specialized in boudoir photography. That’s right, not only was I going to get pictures taken, I was going to get pictures taken of me in my underwear. Terrifying! Once the date was set, Laura told me to bring a number of lingerie outfit changes. I went lingerie shopping for the first time with not a man in mind, but the goal of being able to see myself in it. Another very terrifying thought! Most of Laura’s clients do the boudoir photoshoot to a boyfriend or husband as an anniversary or wedding gift. She asked me why I was doing this. I told her because my husband left me and when he left, he took what little was left of my self confidence (something about this whole divorce thing was making me brutally honest towards strangers, I felt I was starting to become the freaky divorcee- note to self… must work on this!)

The photo shoot was taken in a beautiful hotel room. There was a professional makeup artist who did my makeup. Laura started with the least revealing outfit; a black silk sleep shirt. The first few frames felt awkward. Other than my wedding pictures, I’ve never had but then she found the right lighting and angles and she started getting excited. She asked me if I wanted to see some of the first few frames. I said sure. She showed them to me and I looked at her and said “that’s not me” she said “of course it is!” As cheesy as it sounds, I finally saw what my friends and family were drilling into my head. Though I have been through this shitty situation, behind all that was actually a beautiful woman who could make it through anything. The photoshoot progressed through a number of different outfit changes. And though I still find it hard to look at some of the pics of me in my bra and underwear (and I think my thighs look fat, and I hate my chin) through it all, I was starting to uncover the fact that in the end, I was comfortable with myself and you know what? I wasn’t half bad looking either!